I want to take a moment in these uncertain times to tell you what we are doing in my centers in Sudbury, MA and in Manhattan to address the issues created by the threat of Covid-19, as well as what my wife, Sue, and I are doing at home.

First of all, we are following my first rule, “Never worry alone.”

We are all talking with each other, and listening to what our friends and various experts are reporting, day by day, even hour by hour.

Second, we are trying our best to get the facts.

Most of toxic worry is rooted in lack of information, wrong information, or both. As, as we worry together, we are pooling what we each judge to be the most reliable and pertinent facts, a pool that expands and changes not just hour to hour but minute to minute. Thank God for the Internet and television.

Coronavirus Myth vs Fact

Third, based on the facts that we share, we make a plan.

Toxic worry—and all the bad decisions it foments—subsides when you have a plan. Toxic worry results from a heightened feeling of vulnerability combined with a diminished feeling of power and control. When you have a plan you automatically feel less vulnerable and more in control. If the plan doesn’t work well—and all plans have flaws—you revise it. That’s what life is all about—revising plans. So we are constantly reviewing and considering revising our plan.

The Hallowell Centers Update

As of now, 9:45 a.m. on Monday, March 16, 2020, the plan in both my MA and NY office is to remain open. We rarely have more than 15 people—clinicians and patients combined—in either office at any one time. And the offices are large enough that we can keep 4-6 feet between people, obeying the command to keep social distance.

We have hand sanitizers on the counters and good liquid soap in the rest rooms. We have signs summarizing best practices during this pandemic, and we ask all who enter the offices about fever, headache, respiratory distress, sniffles, and any other illness, as well as recent travel.

Offering Remote Appointments

Furthermore, we offer remote appointments, conducted via the HIPPA compliant platform VSee, for all our clients and patients. Since, with the exception of testing, all our work can be conducted remotely, this provides an excellent and totally safe option which many are taking us up on. However, for those who do want to see us in person, we remain open and available as of now.

Personal Update

Personally, Sue and I have semi-quarantined ourselves. We do go out to buy food, and we have resisted the temptation to buy out the store. While we do have enough food to last us 2 weeks if the absolute need arose, that is not the most tasty food—canned goods like canned beef stew, which Sue deems “nasty” and canned veggies, which no one much likes—and since there are only 2 of us we do not need nor do we have much toilet paper!

Our three children all live elsewhere. Our 30 year old daughter works for the National Football League, whose offices in Manhattan, where she works, have closed for the time being, so our daughter works from home. Our youngest, who is 24, also works in Manhattan for Inkhouse, a p.r. firm, who is requiring all employees to work from home. And our middle child, our 27 year old son, lives near us outside of Boston. He works as a carpenter, out of doors, but his projects are temporarily on hold. His dog, Max, is not a carrier, but does stay inside.

There you have it. We are all living in the midst of uncertainty, and like most uncertainty, this uncertainty feels ominous, dangerous, and possibly lethal. It already has proved itself to be all that, so we have good reason to worry.

But passive worrying soon becomes toxic. I outlined above the best way I know of to turn toxic worry into active problem solving. In the active mode, you are at your best and you reach the smartest decisions.

Remember, we are all in this together.

This virus knows no race, creed, color, or class. It does target older, weaker people over younger stronger people, and it does preferentially target people who choose ignorance and denial over gaining knowledge and acting upon it.

So, let’s band together.

#1Never worry alone.

#2 Get the facts.

#3 And make, and revise, plans.

Our most powerful allies are the positive connections between us, and knowledge. By using those tools, and replenishing them all the time, we will survive, and thrive. Yes, the danger is real and can be lethal, but the solutions are equally real, time-tested, and life-saving.

My heartfelt and most loving wishes go out to you all. Let this crisis bring us all closer together through cooperative action, and shared reflections.

Edward (Ned) Hallowell, M.D.

P.S. If you’re feeling stressed, listen to my podcast on How to Feel Less Stressed.

One of the bright and shining lights in the current dismal viral fog is the beam of human altruism. Read more in my blog post, Altruism Lives.

Now that you’re working on your own time from home, DISTRACTION looms large and  that can spell TROUBLE. If you’re having difficulty staying focused and productive, then CoreCoaching is the antidote to keep the barrage of Corona Virus news and these uncertain times from infecting your productivity.

How CoreCoaching Can Help

CoreCoaching with Rebecca Shafir, M.A., C.C.C. can help by providing effective, practical and non-medication solutions. Rebecca will help you get things done, done well and done on time. Rebecca’s coaching and training approach builds the core skills and routines that enable success at home, at the workplace and in one’s personal life.

Sessions can be conducted by phone, Skype or FaceTime.  You can do this. It’s easy – just call Rebecca to set up a structure for managing distractions and getting your work done, done well and on time.

You may only need a one session consultation that includes a follow up session, or weekly support to sustain a streak of productivity.

Whatever it takes to get you on track, Rebecca will make it happen.

Schedule your complimentary chat.

Contact Rebecca Shafir, executive function coach at the Hallowell Center Metrowest at 978-255-1817 or email her at: RebeccaShafir@gmail.com.

See www.MindfulCommunication.com

CLICK HERE to learn about other Coaching Services available at The Hallowell Center Boston MetroWest.

Testimonials

Amy P., a college junior writes, “Rebecca ,I’m freaking out. I’ve worked so hard this semester and now that I’m home, gone is the structure that was making things work for me. My parents are meddling in my work and that’s making me anxious! I feel like I’m back in high school. I need your help!”

Ari Y., an attorney at a large law firm writes, “The transition to working from home is not going well. My willpower to stick to a schedule and get work done here is daunting. How do I manage the distractions, the panic all around me and stay on track? It’s just Day 3 and I’ve got four big documents to send in next week. The virus is a bad thing, but losing clients will really make me ill! Would coaching help? “

We are all concerned about safety with COVID-19, which is why the Hallowell Centers are closely monitoring the current situation regarding the coronavirus (COVID-19.)

Since the health and safety of our clients and employees is of utmost importance to us, The Hallowell Centers will remain open to meet your needs, but during this crisis and for your safety, all of the services will be provided remotely for the foreseeable future.

Please note that all of our clinicians in Boston MetroWest, NYC, SFO, Palo Alto and Seattle are geared up to work with clients through virtual platforms, or even just the telephone, although having a visual does enhance the experience.

Call your center to get instructions to set this up (it’s WAY simple if I can do it, believe me!) so we can remain connected and provide the hope and help we’re in the business of providing. Learn more about Therapy in the Age of Quarantine.

For the most up-to-date news that relates to the center you visit, click their link below:

BostonMetroWest

New York City

San Francisco

Hallowell Todaro – Palo Alto and Seattle

Our staff and all clients are highly encouraged to follow the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) safety for Covid-19 guidelines (see below) to appropriately respond to the potential public health threat posed by the virus.

Steps to take:

• Wash your hands often with soap and water for at least 20 seconds, especially after going to the bathroom; before eating; and after blowing your nose, coughing, or sneezing.
• If soap and water are not readily available, use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol. Always wash hands with soap and water if hands are visibly dirty.
• Avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth.
• Cover your cough or sneeze with a tissue, then throw the tissue in the trash immediately.
• Avoid close contact with people who are sick.

If you do get sick, please call your primary care doctor for instructions before going to their office or to an urgent care or ER. If there is a real risk that you have COVID-19, they will order that test and direct you to a specialized testing site. This will protect you and others from unnecessary exposure.

I left church today, bid my wife, Sue, farewell as she headed off to a brunch, while I headed to Whole Foods to buy flowers (we buy flowers for our hallway table every Sunday when we’re in town), and started walking to my car. It was a chilly but sunny day in Cambridge, MA. We’ve been going to Christ Church Cambridge, an Episcopal church, since our first child, Lucy, was born in 1989. The service almost always puts me in a reflective, positive mood. But not today. I could feel it the moment I said goodbye to Sue. A chill of sadness was gathering around me. This was not good news because, aside from the discomfort of feeling the sadness, I had a book to work on and the free hours of a Sunday afternoon were precious to me.

But first, I did the shopping. I picked out four bunches of 20 daffodils, 80 daffodils in all, because they were on sale for $4 a bunch, and because they looked so un-sad, so happy, so full of yellow promise. 80 daffodils may sound like a lot, but because at least half had not yet opened, it didn’t look like that many. I probably should have bought twice as many, because daffodils push a special button in me, reminding me of D.C. in spring when my sister was falling in love there with the man she married. But I settled for 80.

Then I pushed my cart down different aisles, picking out the ingredients with which I’d make my crock-pot dinner Tuesday; I make dinner Tuesdays because Sue works late that night. I picked out four cans of beans—red kidney; black; great northern; and pinto—along with a green pepper, a zucchini, two cans of diced tomatoes, one can of tomato paste, and a head of garlic, as well as a dozen eggs and a bag of coffee beans. The eggs and coffee were not for my recipe; we just needed them. And we had the rest of the ingredients for my vegetarian chili already at home. We’re not vegetarians, but we try to eat healthy, at least most of the time.

When I got home, I found my 27-year old son, Jack, working on repairing our front porch. He’s a carpenter, and I was most grateful to find him doing this, which we’d been hoping he’d do for some time. Jack and I greeted, in the usual minimalist male fashion, while I went inside to put the daffodils in vases and unpack the rest of the groceries.

Trying to Write

Once all that was completed, I tried to sit down and write. I said “tried” because I couldn’t. I’m a pretty disciplined writer, a more-or-less believer in what Samuel Johnson said: “Any person can write if he will set himself to it doggedly enough.” But I wasn’t able to be dogged enough. The words just wouldn’t come. Even though I’d had a few ideas in church and had jotted them down, I just could not bring myself to sit down at my laptop and write.

It was that sadness I’d felt after church rushing in. Or maybe I was entering into the sadness. Either way, we met, and entwined. Not the way lovers entwine, more the way you entwine with a spell or a fever. It comes over you and try as you might, you can’t get rid of it.

I had to lie down. We have a large, comfortable couch in our living room, the upholstery rather torn up by the dogs we’ve had over the years, but to my eyes that only makes it more inviting. So the couch took me in and gave me a place to lie with my sadness.

I don’t know why I was sad.

I can always find reasons—I should lose weight, spend less money, finish my book, complete this project or that, or deeper reasons, like what have I not done that I ought to have done or what have I done that I ought not to have done, or the obvious reasons that come with being human and getting older, the death of friends and loved ones, the feelings of my own aging now that I am 70—but today no one reason stood out. The sadness just took me over without tentacles of reason.

I closed my eyes and hoped to sleep. No such luck. I thought of calling my best friends, but I didn’t want to burden them (the exact opposite of what I urge my patients to do; call your friends, I say; never worry alone). I let my mind wander, and simply let the sadness have its way, as I had no choice.

It was not the excruciating sadness of depression or suicidal despair. But neither was it fun. It was keeping me from doing work I needed to do. It was causing me to look bad in my own eyes. I should be able to shake this, I said to myself, as I lay there, unable to shake it.

Feeling the Sadness Subside

By the time Sue got home, I was back at my laptop, giving writing another try. But once again, I couldn’t do it. Sue said, “Honey, you’re probably just tired. Why don’t you take a rest?” This is one of the many reasons I love Sue. Always armed with sympathy and an apt solution. I tried to nap but I couldn’t sleep. However, lying on my bed, I felt the sadness begin to subside, like a fever breaking. I began to have ideas again as to what to write. I still didn’t feel like I could do the writing, but the confidence started to return that the time would come, before too long, when I would be able to do it.

Such is sadness for me. I enter it, or it overcomes me, fairly often. I am never far from it. Even when I am at my happiest—and I am in general a positive, upbeat man—I am also aware that sadness is usually just around the bend. Most of the time it does not prevent me from doing my work, as it did this afternoon. But when I do get working, the sadness subsides.

It’s not depression. But it’s more than “ordinary sadness,” or at least I think it is, based upon others’ accounts of ordinary sadness as well as my own experience of such sadness.

I write about it here in case any of you experience the same thing. My advice is see this sadness for what it is: a passing state of mind, a temporary fever. And to take Sue’s advice. Don’t fight it. Take a rest. And don’t mistake it for a permanent state.

After all, this is still Sunday, and here I am writing this piece. The sadness subsided enough for me to be able to write now. It is in the nature of moods: like the weather, they change.

Resources:

If you’re sad, worried or not feeling quite right, remember to “Never Worry Alone” and read my blog post on “What To Do When You’re Not Having A Very Okay Day.”

If you feeling depressed, it’s important to remember that you are not alone! There is a tremendous community to support and help you.  Below are a few links to Mental Health Resources, depending upon your needs:

• National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI)
• Families for Depression Awareness
• MentalHealth.gov
• How Can The Hallowell Centers Help?

Dr. Hallowell on Attending A Teacher’s Service

Humorous though it may seem, disorganization can plague your soul and wreak havoc in your life. Disorganization is especially pronounced in people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD.) People with ADHD have trouble organizing things. They have trouble organizing time, their thoughts, and data.

Adults with ADHD

Adults with ADHD tend to “organize” by putting things into piles that, over time, grow and proliferate like weeds. Living in such a disorganized environment, whether in the workplace or at home, is like having cobwebs in the brain. Fortunately, there are some useful devices and new habits you can employ to restore a measure of order and clarity.

Because the ADHD brain is low on filing cabinets, you need to set up more filing cabinets outside the brain. In other words, you need to replace the piles with files, so to speak. You need to establish some structure in your daily life that will allow you to make up for what’s missing internally in your mind.

Children with ADHD

Some of the most common occurrences of disorganization in children with ADHD, manifests itself in:

• messy backpacks,
• missing homework assignments and
• lost school supplies, or
• their phone to name a few of the most common occurrences.

Parents of children with ADHD devote a good deal of time to helping them get organized, but the effort need not feel oppressive in any way. Daily routines and chores are easier to remember (and can even be fun) when written out on a color-coded checklist.

Furthermore, by breaking down all the steps, even the simple ones like “brush teeth” and “make the bed,” can make the morning less stressful for the whole family.

Organizational Tools

An alarm clock is an example of structure. So is a key chain, as well as a basket to put the key chain in every day when you get home.  If you’re always losing your phone, keys or other items, then the Tile Pro is a helpful tool in locating misplaced items.

Preset alarms serve as helpful, handy reminders for everything from time to do chores to time to take daily medications. While, weekly planners are indispensable tools for organizing and prioritizing homework assignments. In addition, they serve as helpful reminders, for example, to bring a special t-shirt or snack to school or pick up your dry cleaning on the way home.

In the world of ADHD, there is NOW and NOT NOW, which is why a Time Timer is a helpful  tool for managing homework.  Feeling the passage of time helps to develop time management skills.  Begin by setting it for 20 minutes to begin every study session or whatever project it is you’re working on. Then break for 5 and reset for another 20.

And thank heavens for Post-It Notes, which serve to remind your ADHD child, partner or yourself about a myriad of tasks. Setting up these tools helps provide a critical structure so that over time they’ll learn to initiate and use these tools on their own.

Get Well Enough Organized

Most people will counsel you to get super-organized. I urge you to ignore that advice. There’s no need to go overboard with any of these organizing tips. People with ADHD need not become super-organized neat freaks – a goal that is usually out of their reach anyway. They just need to become well enough organized to achieve their goals.

It’s all about mastering basic tools of organization like:

• making lists;
• keeping important things all in one easy-to-access place;
• creating flash cards and other memory aids to help remember important information; and,
• knowing where to find things quickly without going on a massive treasure hunt every day.

Books on getting Organized

There are some good books on getting organized written specifically for people with ADHD. A good one is ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life, by Judith Kolberg and Kathleen Nadeau. It has many specific tips and methods that will help people with ADHD.

Although not a book on organizing, Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child  gives parents an upbeat and encouraging new approach to living with and helping their ADHD child. The practical strength-based techniques Drs. Hallowell and Jensen present put the talents, charms, and positive essence of the child ahead of any presumed shortcomings.

ADHD Coaching

If you’re unable to get “well enough” organized on your own, have an ADHD coach can help. At The HALLOWELL  Centers we recognize that even the best treatment plans can get sidetracked without the proper “follow through” tools and mechanisms. Our Coaching services utilize the latest in applied psychology,  organizational theory and brain science to help get you on track and keep you on track. Learn more HERE.

Or you can learn more about coaching by listening to Dr. Hallowell’s podcast: Learn all about ADHD and Coaching.

* This post may contain affiliate links. Thanks for your support!

I’ve been treating ADHD in the elderly, let’s say people over 60 for decades, which is why this Wall Street Journal,  article on An Unexpected New Diagnosis in Older Adults: ADHD caught my attention.

ADHD in the Elderly

It’s a myth that Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) only occurs in children.  A myth perpetuated by unwarranted requirements in the diagnostic manual that symptoms must appear prior to the age of 11.  The fact is that the symptoms of ADHD can appear at any age, and when they do, they deserve to be treated.

The oldest person I ever treated for ADHD was 86.  Once he discovered that what had been holding him back his entire life was not the depression he and his doctors had ascribed it to for decades but rather ADHD; once he got off the anti-depressants he’d been talking, without benefit for decades; and once he comprehended the magnitude of ADHD and how it impacted all elements of his life, this new knowledge filled him up with hope.  No longer did he see himself as incapable of achieving his lifelong dream of writing a novel.

Luckily, the stimulant medication I prescribed for him worked, and worked brilliantly.  It caused no side effects, other than appetite suppression, which he was able to deal with simply by eating even when he wasn’t very hungry.

A New Lease on Life

With the new lease on the life that the diagnosis of, education about, and medication for ADHD provided, this man was able, at last, to write the novel he’d been wanting to write for 50 years.  He was able to die with his dream fulfilled.

This is just one of many stories I could tell about diagnosing ADHD for the first time in a person over 60, and treating it with stimulant medication.  The most overlooked group is women.  But older men routinely get missed as well.

As long as the doctor monitors possible side effects, like weight loss, elevated heart rate or elevated blood pressure, as well as insomnia, agitation, or general unpleasant feelings, it is entirely safe to prescribe stimulants to people of any age.   More than safe, 80% of the time it is hugely beneficial.

Making Sure The Diagnosis is Accurate

You just want to be sure the diagnosis is accurate.  It takes a careful and experienced doctor to tell ADHD in the elderly from early Alzheimer’s or other dementing process; depression; anxiety disorders; anemia; hypothyroidism; or other medical conditions that can confuse the picture.

But if you have a good doctor, keep in mind the possibility of ADHD before you accept far more dire diagnoses like dementia, depression, or encephalopathy.

As I’ve said many times. ADHD is a good news diagnosis.  Once you find out you have it—no matter what you age might be—you life can only improve.

Learn More

ADHD in the Elderly: Diagnosis and Treatment – What You Should Know

Think you might have ADHD? Click here to learn How The Hallowell Centers Can Help You.  Getting started is easy.  Book a free 15-minute patient care consult at one of our Hallowell Center locations.

If you’re an adult who thinks you may have ADHD, read here to learn why it’s important to get a diagnosis.

 

Since the last time I wrote to you all in this space, three events have dominated the news: Trump’s impeachment and trial; Kobe Bryant’s sudden death, along with his daughter and seven others; and the coronavirus outbreak. One question that trio of events brings to my mind is: how do we do it? How do we cope with life? How do we manage, when each day holds the possibility of more terrible news.

Imagine, first, the impeachment and trial of our President. That alone could bring us all to the edge, regardless of our political leanings. We’ve gotta wonder, what is happening to our country?

Then, one of the superstars in our sports world if not the world in general, a man millions of children and adults looked up to, admired, took hope from, and felt immense pride in having seen or cheered, suddenly dies in a helicopter accident along with his daughter and friends. That stunned us, as it hit the news on a Sunday afternoon. It came so totally out of nowhere, a Nowhere we all fear whenever we stop and think. After all, Nowhere could hit us any day.

Gathering momentum all the while was the news of a new deadly virus, which is dangerously easy to spread, coming to life in China and beginning its dissemination, infecting and possibly killing who knows how many, in how many ways, in how many countries, and for how long. Panicked, millions of people even in the United States bought masks, while greedy opportunists stockpiled them.

And these are just the stories we all know of, national and international news, enormously distressing events we try to piece together each in our own ways, but also as a national and international community. Add to them the private stories each of us lives with; or the local stories on:

• family tragedies and miseries;
• the house down the street where we know something terrible is amiss but we don’t know how to help or if even help would be welcomed;
• or the people who are in the ambulance whose siren is screaming outside right now, or will be soon;
• there’s a mother who lost her teenage son to an accidental overdose,
• a wife who lost her beloved husband way too soon to a heart attack while he was out jogging,
• and the homeless woman who’s just trying to find food while preserving some shred of dignity.

Samuel Johnson wrote, “We live in a world that is bursting with sin and sorrow.” He also wrote “Life is everywhere a state in which there is much to be endured and little to be enjoyed.”

Enough. I know. Of course, I don’t mean to be a total downer. I know, I know. We all need to look on the bright side, because, for sure, there is a bright side if we look hard enough.

But I do wonder, how do we manage?

Life keeps going on, the regular radio shows talk to us while we commute, the regular TV shows entertain us after dinner, we have our routines that propel us from get-up to go-to-sleep, and we find a way not to slip into too dark of a place.

Still, how do we do it? Selective denial? Jack Daniels? The right diversion? Prayer, meditation, travel, and the gym?

Those of you who read this column know by now where I am headed. You know I tout one solution over all others. And it is a solution we need now more than ever.

The Solution We Need Now

It is the solution that’s found in one another. And the solution found in connection. It’s also the solution whose essence is love, but whose ordinary existence is “How’s by you?” It’s free, connection is; it’s infinite in supply; and yet you’d think it was rare as spun gold as seldom as people turn to it.

Now more than ever. Reach out. Try, try, try not to judge one another. Try, try, try to move past the angry thought and roost instead in a place of forgiveness, humility, forbearance, and joy.

And roost with others. Invite over a friend. Make a lunch date with that person you haven’t seen. Speak well of someone for no reason other than you like that person.

When the News Is Bad

When the news is bad—and every day has always had bad news; Samuel Johnson, after all, lived in the 1700’s and look how bad he saw things to be, so we’re no worse off than people have always been—remember that you—we—do have each other.

We do, we really do, have someone we can go out and rag on life with; someone we can grab a beer with or maybe go dancing; someone who makes us laugh, even when skies are gray.

And we have dogs. For heaven’s sake, get a dog. And every day, do what I do and make a little gratitude list, if you don’t think it’s too hokey. And don’t think it’s too hokey. Don’t be one of those people Samuel Johnson said were “too refined ever to be pleased.” (Yes, I do have a thing for Samuel Johnson. More on that if you’d like in another column; just let me know.)

So when hope seems hard to come by, and you can’t figure out the why’s of all the bad stuff that happens, let alone the how-to-deal-with-its, just remember you have me and I have you and together—yes, world, together—we can keep each other on this side of despair.

Better yet, we can pave brand new paths toward joy.

 

 

Most people who don’t have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) don’t understand it. They often associate ADHD with what is wrong with a person.  And when you receive a diagnosis of ADHD, you may feel shame, fear and self-doubt. So changing your perspective on ADHD is the first step in removing the stigma surrounding ADHD.

You see, I have ADHD and my daughter and one of my sons have ADHD.  I believe in emphasizing the positive traits of ADHD.  I think that people with ADHD represent some of the most fascinating, fun, and fulfilling of all the people I meet. However, words such as structure, supervision, reminders, and persistence don’t even begin to describe the magnitude of the task people with ADHD have to tackle every day, especially kids.

Children need their parents to understand their difficulties, and teach them to overcome those challenges. As parents, the best way to help your child is to start by changing your own thinking about ADHD. When explaining ADHD to a child, I say, “you have a turbo charged mind – like a Ferrari engine, but the brakes of a bicycle, and I’m the brake expert.” When ADHD is properly treated, children can achieve great heights: doctors, lawyers, CEO’s, dreamers, innovators, explorers and even Harvard grads. Founders of our country may have had ADHD. The flip-side of distractibility is curiosity.

Barriers Parents Face: Steps to Changing Your Perspective on ADHD

1. Educate yourself

By far, the biggest barriers for parents are denial, ignorance, and a refusal to learn. Dads and moms can dig in and simply refuse to listen to facts or reason. If this goes on too long, children can suffer severe damage, and families can be destroyed. The stakes are high, not only for the child, but the whole family. So you need to learn what ADHD is and what it isn’t. Perhaps the single most powerful treatment for ADHD is understanding ADHD in the first place. You need to understand what a positive attribute ADHD can be in your child’s life. So read books. Talk with professionals. Talk with other parents whose children have ADHD. You need to understand ADHD well enough to embrace it so you can help your child avoid unnecessary suffering, as that breaks kids rather than builds them up. It takes time, and effort, but it’s worth it.

2. Look for that special spark

In my daily practice, I see and treat kids with ADHD. Just being with them usually makes me smile. They invariably have a special something, a spark, a delightful quirk – which they sometimes try to hide, but which I usually can find. Then they relax, brighten up, and make me laugh and learn.

Look for that special something and help your child feel good about who s/he is. Identify his/her talents, strengths, interests and dreams. Teach him/her to see and believe in what s/he can do, and avoid the tendency to focus on what s/he can’t do. When you believe in your child, it makes it easier for him/her to believe, too.

3. Unconditional Love:

Let your love for your child carry the day. Tune out the diagnosticians and labelers and simply notice and nourish the spirit of your child for who s/he is. Providing this unshakable base of support will set the tone for all interactions to come. This is what builds self-esteem, confidence, and motivation, which in turn create joy and success in life.

Several studies suggest that loving acceptance by parents is the most important thing teens with ADD need in dealing with symptoms. Make sure that your child knows, every day, how much you love her. Showing your love and affection will buoy your child’s sense of hope and help the family weather criticism from outside sources.

This is what these kids need more than anything else: love that never gives up.

4. Reframe Challenges in terms of Mirror Traits:  Remind yourself and your child of the positive sides of the negative symptoms associated with ADD. By recognizing the mirror traits, you avoid the ravages of shame and fear.

5. Surround yourself with Laughter:

Laughter is the best medicine. Surround yourself with people who can laugh. It is important to be able to regain a perspective that allows you to see the humor in all of the messes and fixes these kids can get into. Why wait to look back on something and laugh at it – go ahead and enjoy the ridiculousness of the situation in the moment.

When our kids begin to laugh at themselves, and not take themselves quite so seriously, it allows them to learn humility without shame, and adds to their moral character and their enjoyment of life.

Conclusion:

As a parent, how you approach your child’s ADHD will set the tone for how your child manages their ADHD. When you show them compassion and understanding, you teach them to love themselves and see their strengths. That will help them find the motivation they need to take control of their ADHD, one strategy at a time.

Adapted from Superparenting for ADD: An Innovative Approach to Raising Your Distracted Child, Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and Peter S. Jensen, M.D., Ballantine, 2008.

Resources:

Check out the ADHD Workshops for adults and parents at the Hallowell Center NYC

Parenting with Impact Video Series on the Keys to Unlocking ADHD

Learn about the Zing Performance program, a non-medication treatment for ADHD

Over the years, Dr. Hallowell has invented tips for managing his ADHD.  He’s also collected various tips from people of all ages on how they manage Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) to live happy and successful lives.  You may not find all of his 12 practical tips for managing adult ADHD useful. However, just make note of the ones that ring true to you, and try and put them into use in your life. If you need help implementing them, ask someone else to help you do this.

 12 Practical Tips for Managing Adult ADHD*

*Adapted from Delivered from Distraction, Edward M. Hallowell, M.D., John J. Ratey, M.D., Ballantine, 2005

1. Educate yourself.

Perhaps the single most powerful treatment for managing ADHD is understanding it in the first place.  You need to learn what ADHD is, and what it is not. A diagnosis of the mind, like ADHD, must be fully understood if it is to be mastered and made good use of. At its best, ADHD can become an asset, rather than a liability, in a person’s life. But, for this to happen, the person has to develop a deep appreciation for how ADHD works within him or her. To understand ADHD, read books. talk with professionals and talk with other adults who have ADHD.  Soon you’ll be able to design your own tips to manage your ADHD.

2. Tomorrow Starts NOW.

Make deadlines – In the world of ADHD there is NOW and NOT NOW.  You need to prioritize and avoid procrastination. When things get busy, the adult ADHD person loses perspective: paying an unpaid parking ticket can feel as pressing as putting out the fire that just got started in the wastebasket. Prioritize. Take a deep breath. Put first things first. Then go on to the second and the third task.

3. Consider joining or starting a support group.

Much of the most useful information about ADHD has not yet found its way into books, but remains stored in the minds of the people who have ADHD. In groups this information can come out. Plus groups are really helpful in giving the kind of support that is so badly needed. If you live in NYC, Dr. Hallowell offers a support group in his office. Learn more here.

4. Try to get rid of the negativity

Get rid of the negativity that may have infested your system if you have lived without knowing that what you had was ADHD. A good psychotherapist may help in this regard.

5. Get well enough organized to achieve your goals.

The key here is “well enough.” That doesn’t mean you have to be very well organized at all — just well enough organized to achieve your goals. Here are 10 tips to start 2020 off right.

6. Do what you are good at.

Don’t waste time trying to get good at what you’re bad at. Instead spend time doing what you’re good at.

7. Choose “good” helpful addictions, such as exercise.

Many adults with ADHD have an addictive or compulsive personality such that they are always hooked on something. Try to make this something positive.

8.  Understand mood changes and ways to manage them.

Listen to Dr. Hallowell’s podcast on How ADHD Affects Emotion.

9. Sleep

Make sure you get at least 8 hours of sleep every night. 

10. Learn how to advocate for yourself.

Adults with ADD are so used to being criticized that they are often unnecessarily defensive in putting their own case forward.

11. Learn to joke with yourself and others about your various systems.

If you can learn to be relaxed enough about the whole syndrome to be able to joke about it, others will forgive you much more easily.

12. Coaching.

It is useful for you to have a coach, for some person near you to keep after you, but always with humor. Your coach can help you get organized, stay on task, give you encouragement or remind you to get back to work. Friend, colleague, or therapist (it is possible, but risky for your coach to be your spouse), a coach is someone to stay on you to get things done, exhort you as coaches do, keep tabs on you, and in general be in your corner. A coach can be tremendously helpful in treating ADHD.

On a sunny, unseasonably balmy Saturday in January I found myself sitting in a back pew of an Episcopal church in Exeter, New Hampshire. I had made the hour-or-so drive from my home outside Boston to Exeter to attend the memorial service of a man who had died a few weeks before at the age of 97. His name was David Coffin. I attended the school he taught at for decades, the Phillips Exeter Academy. He was the pre-eminent teacher of high-school level Classics in the entire country, or so said those in the know.

Mr. Coffin, “Mister” is how we addressed our teachers when I was at Exeter, never taught me. Although I did take Latin, I was never lucky enough to have the great Mr. Coffin looking over my shoulder as I attempted a translation.

Why then, you might ask, would I steal time from a precious Saturday afternoon to honor a man who never directly had me in his sway? I felt the answer to that question as I sat in the back pew listening to the organ prelude as the people filed in, filling up the church to capacity.

Feeling Immense Gratitude

I felt, sitting there, immense gratitude toward Mr. Coffin for all that he did for so many of us students, for devoting his prodigious talents to the development of young minds and young lives. When I knew him—I attended the Academy as it’s called—from 1964 to 1968 he was a swarthy, trim handsome man. He was a mountain climber and a tennis player, as well as a scholar of the first order. When I’d see Mr. Coffin walking the corridors of the Academy Building, I’d feel the combination of fear and awe such teachers—and Exeter had quite a few—inspire in young students like me.

Now 70 years old, I sat, listening to the organ, looking around at the people who’d come, including my 9th grade math teacher, Walter Burgin. He has as accomplished a mind as David Coffin, and made math as simple as pie. I would not have gone to medical school were it not for the confidence Mr. Burgin instilled in me by making math so accessible. That’s what these great teachers did; they drew us in without our even noticing how much they were getting us to prove to ourselves we could do.

I sat there, feeling gratitude to Mr. Coffin, now deceased, and to Mr. Burgin, very much alive, and to this great school that had so fortuitously come into my life, changing me forever. I went on to Harvard after Exeter, and while Harvard was a fine place to go to college, my years at Exeter shaped me more radically than any four years of my life ever have.

Sentimental Alums

I went back to honor all that, and for the minutes I sat in the church I basked in the feeling of gratitude and love. Fred Tremallo, my 12th. grade English teacher at Exeter, who changed my life more than any teacher before or since, told us never to become one of those sentimental alums who come back and sugar coat the years we spent at Exeter, forgetting the pain and angst all of us felt there some of the time.

But I’d grown so old that by the Saturday of Mr. Coffin’s service I even felt gratitude for the pain and angst. Also attending the service was another English teacher, David Weber, who’d helped me edit my last book, as well as a former Dean and history teacher, Jack Hearny, who’s still leading seminars, trips, and gatherings long after he’s retired. In fact, his favor that day was to transport to the memorial service the imperious but well-loved Jackie Thomas, wife of another deceased Latin teacher, David Thomas, who actually did teach me.

No, Fred, I will not be one of those sentimental alums. But there is a ripeness to the fruit age which imparts, an advanced taste that surpasses sentiment and taps into the subtle juices youth simply lacks the palate to appreciate.

Savoring the moment

Sitting there, I got to savor those juices for a while. Also while sitting there I got to see my past, and sense my death one day, while celebrating the life of a man who just did die, amongst those who knew him well and loved him dearly.

Finally, sitting there I gave thanks to whatever force it was that allowed me to happen upon the notice of David Coffin’s death, the announcement of the memorial service, and to get into my car that balmy Saturday and drive back up to my old school.

How did I know that it would mean so much to me?

I didn’t. And that’s just the point. We do important things governed by tides and winds we don’t understand, and yet obey.

My hope for all of you is that such a tide or wind brings you to a place you find as enormously important and poignant as I found that service for Mr. Coffin to be.

Edward “Ned” Hallowell