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ADHD and Marriage Advice from the Hallowells

In this Distraction Podcast, you’ll get ADHD and Marriage Advice from the Hallowells. Since Distraction is taking a mini break before we start Season 3, they’re re-airing a few of our favorite episodes. So if you missed my podcast with my wife Sue on ADHD, you can listen to it HERE!

Sue doesn’t hold back and gives you a clear picture of what it’s like to be the only one in our house without ADHD.  You can watch this  YouTube video for a “behind the scenes view of this episode.”

Relationships plagued by misunderstandings, anger, frustration and hurt are challenging.  Those challenges are amplified when one or both members have ADHD or other mental health/addiction issues. ADHD, in particular, presents some unique challenges. Such as, when ADHD has not been diagnosed or when the couple does not understand how it impacts the relationship.

Dr. Hallowell offers a number of ways to learn how to thrive in relationships affected by ADHD. All of the Hallowell Centers offer ADHD counseling for couples affected by ADHD. Counseling may include treatment of ADHD, depression, anxiety and other issues. Likewise, therapy may be centered on developing strategies for improving the interactions between partners.

Dr. Hallowell and his wife Sue co-authored “Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage”, which deals with how to keep distraction from hurting your marriage.

The New Refrain

There’s a new refrain I’m hearing more and more everywhere I go.  It used to be, “I’m so upset, I don’t know what to do.”  But that’s just not sustainable.  You can only be so upset you don’t know what to do for so long. Then you need to figure out something to do.  And that’s become the new refrain.

What I hear more and more, everywhere I go, is this:  “I’ve decided I’m going to focus my energy and my talent and my resources on what I can control. I’m going to let the rest go hang,” or words to that effect.  In addition, “I’m going to work on what I can actually change myself, or help a team to change, and let the rest be damned,” or words to that effect.  Finally, “I’m going to stop being so upset by what I can’t control and start taking satisfaction in working on what I can control.”

That’s the new refrain.  That’s the conclusion more and more people tell me they’ve reached, everywhere I go.

Why It Makes A Lot of Sense

It makes a lot of sense.  One way to die young, or get sick soon, is to worry yourself silly over all the things you can’t control, and these days we have more than life’s usual array of scoundrels, thieves, charlatans, and popinjays who’d steal us away from the meaningful tasks and pleasures we can actually regulate and develop ourselves.  They would abscond with our minds, if we’d let them, and lately we’ve been letting them, many of us have at least, myself included.

Which is why I am joining the refrain.  I intend to embrace, work on, advance, and sweat over what I can stand a chance of controlling or at least significantly influencing myself.  Then, I will do my very damnedest to ignore the most diverting sideshow this country has ever seen.

Stop Getting Distracted By The Sideshow

If I am going to get work done, if I am going to have fun, I’ve got to stop getting distracted by the sideshow, because it’s becoming the main show.  For us with ADHD, this is a teaching moment, as the new jargon puts it.  People like me can take a lesson and learn how to focus on what matters. We need to stop getting distracted by what is enormously entertaining and seems to matter a hell of a lot, but over which I, at least, have zero control.

Getting Back To Work

I have to get back to work. Need to get back to:

  • to this note;
  • and my books;
  • let’s not forget my patients;
  • and my talks;
  • also need to grow my clinics,
  • to spreading my strength-based message; and, of course to
  • having fun with my wife and our kids and our friends.

I bet you have really interesting stuff to get back to as well.  As incredibly diverting as the sideshow is, produced by masters of entertainment and PR, we have to seize this teaching moment and discipline ourselves to get back to tending to what we can significantly influence and control.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying don’t vote.  For goodness sake, vote!  Every citizen should vote if he or she wants to call him or herself a citizen.

But at the same time, live the life that adds the most to this world.  Live the life not of a spectator, but of a do-er, a creator, a builder.

Enough of the feeling miserable, ok?  Let’s do something positive every day.

Stigma Takes Lives!

Why Stigma Takes Lives – Often the worst part of a mental illness is not the illness itself but the societal shunning that results from it. Mental illness hits 20% of Americans every year, but because of shame and stigma, many never seek the help they need.
It’s important to not that there’s no shame in mental illness. Most highly intelligent, creative people have one or another form of it. The damage is done by keeping it hidden, where it festers, warps, grows, and takes over the soul. When you don’t seek treatment for depression, anxiety or whatever it is that you’re dealing with, you run the risk of  sinking deeper into your condition. So it’s important to seek treatment or talk to a family member or friend. Remember my #1 rule – “Never worry alone.”

Stigma and the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain are some of the topics Dr. Hallowell discusses in his YouTube video on Stigma Takes Lives. Watch here.

If you’ve had a family member or know someone who has attempted suicide, you know that with hope comes the very real dread that he or she may try it again. Learn more about the risk in this article on “When A Family Member Survives a Suicide Attempt.”

Let’s start a grassroots movement to eliminate the shame associated with mental illness to stamp out “stigma takes lives.”
Learn more in my podcast on “End the Stigma of Mental Health.“

RESOURCES 

What To Do When You’re Having A “Not Very Okay” Day

When you’re worried, stressed or having a “Not Very Okay At All” day, Dr. Hallowell recommends you “Never Worry Alone.” On those days when you’re not feeling quite right, remember his advice and find your “Piglet” (read passage below) to share how you’re feeling.

“Piglet?” said Pooh.

“Yes Pooh?” said Piglet.

“Do you ever have days when everything feels… Not Very Okay At All?

And sometimes you don’t even know why you feel Not Very Okay At All, you just know that you do.”

Piglet nodded his head sagely. “Oh yes,” said Piglet. “I definitely have those days.”

“Really?” said Pooh in surprise. “I would never have thought that. You always seem so happy and like you have got everything in life all sorted out.”

“Ah,” said Piglet. “Well here’s the thing. There are two things that you need to know, Pooh. The first thing is that even those pigs, and bears, and people, who seem to have got everything in life all sorted out… they probably haven’t. Actually, everyone has days when they feel Not Very Okay At All. Some people are just better at hiding it than others.

“And the second thing you need to know… is that it’s okay to feel Not Very Okay At All. It can be quite normal, in fact. And all you need to do, on those days when you feel Not Very Okay At All, is come and find me, and tell me. Don’t ever feel like you have to hide the fact you’re feeling Not Very Okay At All. Always come and tell me. Because I will always be there.”

So whenever you’re having a “Not Very Okay” day, remember Piglet’s message and Dr. Hallowell’s advice:

  • “Never Worry Alone“
  • Connect
  • Reach out
  • Commiserate
  • Brainstorm
  • Hug
  • Eat together.

Do whatever you want; just don’t let yourself get cut off from others. Depression, stress or toxic worry cause their greatest damage to people who feel isolated.

The Other Vitamin C

The human connection is like an essential vitamin. I call it the other vitamin C; this is vitamin connect. It fortifies us and gives us courage. Sometimes people don’t reach out because they think no one can help. Or they feel that no one knows the problem well enough to offer suggestions that the worrier hasn’t already thought of.

But the point of reaching out is not just to get solutions. Even more important, it is to get a feeling, the feeling of support. So reach out even when you know the person you are reaching out to will have no idea of how to solve your problem.

Resources to combat a “Not Having A Very Okay” Day

Watch Dr. Hallowell’s YouTube video to learn more about The Power of Vitamin Connect.

If you’re suffering from depression, anxiety or stress and need help, The Hallowell Centers employ a “strength-based” approach to treating ADHD and other cognitive and emotional conditions. Whether you’re dealing with bi-polar disorder, ADHD, depression or another condition, Dr. Hallowell’s strength-based model emphasizes first and foremost the search for what is good and strong and healthy in a person, then secondarily what is in need of remediation.

Listen to Dr. Hallowell’s podcast on “Give Yourself An Instant Mood Lift.”

Read Dr. Hallowell’s lucid and reassuring book on Worry. He discusses all types of worry, explores their underlying causes, and considers the best strategies for coping.

Dr. Hallowell’s Memoir

Dr. Hallowell’s Memoir

Today marks the release of my memoir, Because I Come from a Crazy Family: The Making of a Psychiatrist.  It’s unlike any book I’ve written before, this one only tells stories, true stories from my childhood and my early training in psychiatry.  I introduce you to the great array of eccentric, wonderful, colorful and yes, sometimes crazy people who populated my life.

Growing up I didn’t know we were any different from other families.  I thought the zaniness that surrounded me was just the way life was.  Everyone was very loving, often very funny, usually unpredictable, and most of the time a lot of fun.  This memoir is a celebration of craziness, my way of expressing my pride in my family in all our differences, craziness included.

Ending  the Stigma of Mental Illness

It’s time to blast away the stigma that has plagued mental illness for thousands of years.  The fact is, many, if not most people of exceptional talent struggle with one or another of the most commonly diagnosed mental illnesses:

  • depression,
  • anxiety disorders,
  • substance use disorders,
  • attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,
  • post traumatic stress disorder,
  • bi-polar disorder,
  • reading disorders, or
  • various personality disorders.

Yet they don’t seek help because they fear the shame and stigma that comes with the diagnosis.

However, I see these conditions as markers of talent.  When I diagnose someone, I tell them we are embarking on a process of unwrapping their gifts.  The mental illness can completely bury the talent so that it cannot emerge, or it can conceal it so that it can only partially emerge.  My job as a psychiatrist is not just to treat the illness but just as important to develop the talent, to encourage the growth of the healthy part of the person.

One reason I wrote my new book was to show personally, through characters in my own family, how talent and mental illness can appear in the same person and how lack of treatment can bring a person down. Furthermore, I wanted to show how proper treatment can save a person altogether; and how wonderfully freeing it can be to live true to oneself with others who appreciate who you are for who you are without shame or recrimination.

The great gift my family gave me was just that: permission, indeed, insistence to be real.  Our only real rule was don’t be a phony. And so in this new book I share with you all the true and wonderful characters I grew up with, and then the true and wonderful people who taught me psychiatry at the old Mass. Mental Health Center.  The best teachers I ever had were the patients who let me take care of them.  Like the people in my family, they could never be phony.  Sometimes I couldn’t understand them, but I always new they were real and true.

So it gives me enormous pleasure to share with you all the gifts they gave to me through this memoir.

Order here

Watch Dr. Hallowell read the first chapter of his memoir HERE!

Stimulants and ADHD

This YouTube video is about stimulants and ADHD, more specifically the general stigma that steers people away from trying them as part of treatment for ADHD.  Used properly under medical supervision, stimulant medications are safe and effective, but most people are terrified of them and do not want to even consider trying them. I address this issue in this video. 

This month, my Note from Ned is a Video from Ned.  That’s a first for us, but I think we will do it more often, as people like video often more than print.

I hope you like this piece and share it.  Please send us feedback about the video format and let us know what you think.  You can always email me directly at drhallowell@gmail.com

When medication works, it works as safely and dramatically as eyeglasses. Medication helps about 80% of the time in the treatment of ADD. Make sure you work with a doctor who can explain the issues around medication to you clearly. Most people do not realize how safe and effective stimulant medications truly are, when they are used properly. Make sure you work with a doctor who has plenty of experience with these medications. The stimulants include medications like Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Vyvanse, Focalin, and others. As long as you take them under proper medical supervision, they can help you immensely.

More on ADHD treatment

Harnessing the Power of Vitamin Connect

The Surgeon General named loneliness as the #1 medical problem in the country.  We live in a world characterized by what I call “the modern paradox”: miraculously connected electronically, we are growing disconnected interpersonally. This social isolation is as dangerous a risk factor for early death as cigarette-smoking, high blood pressure, and obesity. In this VIDEO, I discuss harnessing the power of “the other Vitamin C, Vitamin Connect.”

While we are far more connected electronically than ever before, we are missing the “human moment.” We’re texting instead of talking. We’re glued to our phones while out with friends (take a look at the photo – that’s what social disconnection looks like.)

Maybe you feel powerless; you think disconnection is a sign of the times.   I’m here to tell you that it’s a problem we can solve. It’s in your power to live a life rich in human connection. I’m not just talking about person to person. You can connect by joining a club, team, connecting with your neighbors, having a pet or a hobby. Join me and find out how to add Vitamin Connect to your daily life.

Learn more about CONNECT: 12 Vital Ties that Open Your Heart, Lengthen Your Life, and Deepen Your Soul

ADHD CollegeCORE Coaching

What is ADHD CollegeCORE Coaching and how can CollegeCORE Coaching help you?

CollegeCORE Coaching with Rebecca Shafir M.A.CCC – Speech/Language Pathologist and Executive Function coach is available by phone, Skype, or in person.  CollegeCore Coaching helps high school upperclassmen and college students conquer the most common problems associated with ADHD or Executive Dysfunction. Rebecca provides effective, practical and non-medication solutions for getting things done well and on time. She has worked with ADHD students and entrepreneurs for over 20 years.  

Read more at www.MindfulCommunication.com.  Rebecca’s coaching and training approach builds the core skills and routines that enable success in school and greater marketability for the workplace.

CollegeCORE students will learn:

  • core skills and routines for managing anxiety and improving focus, follow through and communication;
  • to become more independent, and how to be the CEO of YOU, even if you don’t plan to be an entrepreneur;
  • basic organizational skills;
  • problem-solving skills;
  • note-taking skills;
  • more efficient study and test-taking skills;
  • why good sleep is a major ally for the ADHD student, sleep’s powerful role in learning and ways to improve sleep quality.
  • how exercise regimen best promotes clearer thinking and improved productivity;
  • learn how to apply Rebecca’s 80/20 approach for managing procrastination; and
  • finally, how to self-advocate – a competitive life skill.

How CollegeCore Coaching works:

The process begins with a complimentary 15-20 minute inquiry call with Rebecca. Call to set up that inquiry session (978) 287-0810 or (978) 255-1817. This is a brief discussion to answer questions about the program. This will help Rebecca to determine whether the CollegeCore coaching approach is appropriate for the student.

Following this discussion, a 90 minute meeting is scheduled to:

  • get background information,
  • identify personal strengths,
  • establish personal objectives, deadlines (if imposed) for improvement, and
  • to determine best approaches.  Cost: $325.00

An action plan and frequency of coaching sessions is determined based on that meeting. The goal is to:

  • identify the best starting point(s),
  • select a couple small steps easy to implement consistently to
  • yield some early and notable results; and
  • have these new routines become habits.

Minor adjustments are made along the way. For some, the compound effect will work best. While for others a multi-target approach is better. The process is customized to the student and his/her needs.

Coaching sessions are $150/hour, $75/30 minutes. First of all, Rebecca will determine with the student the duration and frequency of sessions (1-3x a week.)  If desired, a spouse, partner or co-founder may also be involved. Progress is addressed at each session. As the gains become more consistent and the student more independent, the coaching sessions wind down. Check-in sessions are monthly or bi-monthly, then every six months or as needed.

To set up a CollegeCORE inquiry session or to make an appointment with Rebecca Shafir, contact the:

  • Hallowell Center BostonMetroWest in Sudbury MA at (978) 287-0810

or

  • her West Newbury office (978) 255-1817 to schedule sessions in person or by phone or Skype.

Sessions are $150/hr and may be reimbursable through your insurance.

Managing Anxiety and Toxic Worry

In this video, I discuss managing anxiety and toxic worry. Although anxiety and worry are common symptoms in life, excessive worry is not.  Worry is like blood pressure: you need a certain level to live, but too high a level can hurt you. When worry becomes toxic, it ceases to serve as the useful built-in alarm system nature meant it to be and becomes instead a painful problem in itself. As a car alarm system that won’t shut off, our human alarm system can drive its owner crazy – and get him or her into trouble – when it won’t silence itself.

In order to set fear far enough aside for us to be able to act creatively and boldly, we need to find a method, other than denial, for doing so. So what do we do? What is a reliable non-medication method for controlling toxic worry? The 3 steps outlined in this video are something we can all use.

  1. NEVER WORRY ALONE! Toxic worry is rampant because people are so disconnected. We’re connected electronically, but we’re disconnected inter-personally. Our prime antidote to toxic worry is another person.

Remember that everyday with my just released “Never Worry Alone” mug.

Watch the video for Tips #2 & #3 and to learn more about anxiety and toxic worry.

Want more tips on managing worry? Click here.  Having problems coping with anxiety? Click here.

Worry Hope and Help for a Common Condition offers the perfect antidote to fear, nervousness, and prevalent feels of anxiety.

Remember: All worry is not bad.

Identify all the things you worry about and separate out the toxic to your health worries from good worry. Good worry amounts to planning and problem solving. Toxic worry is unnecessary, repetitive unproductive, paralyzing and life-defeating.  If you’re suffering from toxic worry, in  addition to consulting with your family doctor, be sure to consult with experts in other fields. Some options below:

The Hallowell Centers treat: Anxiety (worry, panic attacks, headaches), depression, phobias and more.

Learn more about Depression here. 

National Institute of Mental Health

National Alliance for the Mentally Ill 

Freedom from Fear

 

 

Stuck in a Rut at Work?

Are you stuck in a rut at work? How many times  have you found yourself sitting in a meeting, yawning, pinching yourself or grinding your teeth? Or how many days have you gone to the coffee machine multiple times, begging the caffeine to create some energy and get you out of this rut at work? Most people wake up, maybe grab some breakfast or at least a shot of caffeine, go to work, and assume they can stay consistently focused without taking any steps specifically designed to replenish and maintain their energy at work throughout the day.

If you’re having difficulty staying focused and feeling stuck at work, you can follow the 6 tips below, adapted from Dr. Hallowell’s book:

Driven to Distraction at Work

His book was recommended in “8 books to Read When You’re Stuck in a Rut at Work“

The Sensational Six*

Prep works relies on “the sensational six.” Do the things recommended below and your brain will give you much more time in flexible focus if you prepare it every day by following each of these practices so you’ll spend less time in a “rut” and be more productive.

#1 SLEEP

One of the greatest favors you can do for  your brain and your entire body is to get enough sleep. Sleep is tonic. Reset your priorities to make time for sleep.  Set a regular bedtime and get-up time. Do make sure you have comfortable bedding. Reserve your bed for sleep; not work – don’t bring your screens into the bedroom.

#2 NUTRITION 

When you don’t eat right, your brain can’t function well. Eat a breakfast with protein. It’s equally important to eat a balanced lunch. Use a fruit snack and a burst of exercise to combat the blahs. Eat more fresh fruits and vegetables to feed your brain the micronutrients it needs. Watch the amount of coffee you drink.

#3 EXERCISE

Beyond a doubt, exercise is one of the best tonics available for your brain. You can start by walking every day with a friend. Likewise, try to schedule time each week to play a game of some sort; i.e., golf, squash or tennis; or join a gym.

#4 MEDITATION

Did you know that mediation can lower stress levels and blood pressure, increase energy and cognitive function, and make you calmer and happier?  You can start by sitting in a comfortable chair, both feet on the floor and both hands comfortably placed on your lap. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing. In, out. Watch your thoughts float by like leaves on a river. Try not to evaluate your thoughts, but rather let them pass by without a comment or a care. You can meditate for just a 5 minutes or more. Meditating daily will help you focus better.

#5 MENTAL STIMULATION

When you stretch your brain by trying new tasks or doing everyday tasks in a way you’ve never done them before, you are doing something that will not only enhance your ability to maintain focus, but also help stave off the ravages of aging, include dementia.

#6 CONNECTION

The human connection is the most powerful force in the world for growth, health, fulfillment, and joy. I call connection “the other vitamin C” or “vitamin connect.” You can get tips on ways to connect here.